I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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