Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
