i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
