as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
