i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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