you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I still have a little drunk in my system
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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