She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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