I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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