omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
