I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
