I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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