i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
