I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
