I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
