if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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