I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
