I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
