please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
