Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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