Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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