Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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