I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
well, you know. whores of a feather.
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