2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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