Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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