im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
