You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
