I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
