I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
