Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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