Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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