he wants to bone in the snuggie
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
