my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
