walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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