i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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