is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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