my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
