This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
