First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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