I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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