I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
