I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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