One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
