Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
