I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I think a kid would responsible me up
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
