This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
