Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
