Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
