i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
