i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
as a side note pls kill me
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