somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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