There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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